“Yes” is Not the Absence of No

I learned something very interesting the other night.  It won’t surprise anyone that Berkeley public schools have a very liberal sex education program.  They start teaching it early and they teach it often.  The part that I found so interesting is that the guys are taught that sex is not okay without an affirmative yes.

This is a huge difference from the “sex is not okay if she says ‘no’” that my class was taught in high school, that’s the prevailing message in our media and mainstream culture.  Compare those two:

Sex is only okay if she says yes.

Sex is not ok if she says no.

This is not me asking Mommy for a cookie by whispering, “do you mind if I have a cookie?” out of hearing range because Mommy’s silence means “no.”  This is huge.  What an astounding difference between the results of those -

Sex is only okay if she says yes.

Sex is not ok if she says no.

What a profound effect on our rape culture.  The affirmative eliminates the questions of too drunk or too incapacitated to refuse; it eliminates the ‘she was asking for it,’ the ‘she was playing coy,’ the ‘she secretly wanted it.’  It puts all the control of the situation in the woman’s hands and it requires her to take control.

The affirmative yes requires the woman to be sure, to make a decision, to take responsibility for what is going to happy and what she is going to do.  That is powerful and scary.  There is plenty of writing, plenty of anted octal stories I could  share from friends over the years: girls grow up in a world where sex is wrong, where they are dirty or wrong or a bad person if they want it.  The affirmative yes requires them to be able to get past all that and accept ownership of their desires and feelings.  (I expect the Berkeley version of sex ed also teaches girls that sex is ok and good and doesn’t layer on the guilt stuff, but I don’t know for sure, just a hunch; hippies and all.)

The affirmative yes requirement can still cause problems; misunderstandings can happen with someone afraid to say “yes” as afraid to say “no.”  A couple may have some fights, they may need to work some things out if he’s waiting for a yes and she’s waiting for action.  But it’s a better trade off.  The results of a misunderstood unsaid yes will not lead to criminal charges.