Oakland Expedition #4: Where Have All the Flowers Gone? Dressing for the East Bay

This area has one of the most ethnically diverse populations in the country. I didn't even notice; someone had to point it out to me. Why? Because everyone dresses the same; they all look the same. I will now teach you to dress for the East Bay.

To begin: Get a pair of black pants, a bit too short for you. If you don't have black, another earthy color will suffice, but black is really best.

Put on some sort of drab looking, plain shirt. No patterns. Color is okay, but the color has to be very muted and dull.

Add a scarf, tied around your neck in some fashion. This can be bold and colorful, but it's the only part of the outfit that can be.

Glasses are fine, but the rims must be plastic.

If you're in your mid-30s or older, your hair should be fairly short. An even cut, about 3" long should do. Kinda like this. No matter what length your hair, it should be down. Just shower and go. No styling allowed; it must be absolutely limp and boring. And by no means can you put any cute little barrettes or anything in it.

Avoid make-up.

Socks should be thick and fuzzy. Preferably grey, but some color is ok.

And now, for the shoes. Your shoes must meet three (3) requirements:

1. They must be extremely ergonomically correct, fix every foot problem you've ever had, and protect each bone, muscle and skin cell from the effects of walking.

2. You must swear they are the most comfortable thing you've ever worn.

3. They must be absolutely hideous. (these too)

That pretty much sums up women. Guys, same sorts of color schemes. Obviously no scarves. And for the below 25 crowd, sag your pants. Really, it's mostly so boring, I hardly even need mention the guys. One of my friends promised me that everyone out here had a little bit of thug in them. While I find it to certainly be true in his circle of friends, I am waiting to see it elsewhere.

I'd trade very nice looking for thug, but there isn't much of that either. I think I see maybe 6 guys in suits a day. That may sound like a lot, but I ride a very full Bart train through 2 downtown areas to get to work. I'm telling you, it's enough to make me miss the South. People there were always dressed nicely, even if they did have on those Uggly boots with their pretty dresses. And guys in suits are so sexy. This khaki and blah button down thing just doesn't cut it. Oh well, I at least refuse to lower my fashion integrity to this level. Long live heels!

(Original Post)

Bedroom

Indifferent

Comfortable - Lil' Wayne