Hell ...on earth

Hell is supposed to be this horrible place. But the traditional notion of Hell as just really hot doesn't seem that terrible. I like heat, a lot. If Hell is really as unbearable as it's supposed to be, climate should only be a small part of it. To me, Hell is a place filled with the most selfish people, with no empathy, no thoughts or concerns for others, no love for mankind or the earth or God's creation. Those are the people who supposedly wind up there anyway, right?

Well, I've found that Hell, right here on earth. It's called law school. Not the exams, nor the Socratic method, nor the sheer amount of work make this place Hell. It's the people. I have never before in my life met such self-centered people. Every conflict or decision a person has to make, the answer from so-called supportive friends is "you have to protect yourself first". It's always self before others, always. And every gesture, every movement, every action is thus assumed to be in self-interest with some underlying motive or hidden gain for yourself. It's horrible. It's impossible to do anything nice for anyone without being suspected of being up to something.

Anything done that someone disagrees with, or for which they doubt the professed intent, is compared to what someone else has done. With a simple, "if so-and-so could do A and B, there is no reason you can't either." Completely disregarding relevant differences in the situations or, most importantly, the feelings and experiences of the person involved. Trying to get people to do group work, even when they've already agreed, is like pulling teeth. "Well I have this and this and this to do." As if no one else has work either. An assumption laid out as fact, "MY work is more important than whatever you are doing or any of the commitments I have made to participate in what you are doing."

And it's not just the school; apparently it's the profession, too. Most days, I leave my professional responsibility class hating the entire system and its concept of ethics. Do I really have to lower my standards to become part of this drudgery? Am I really no longer allowed to show compassion or concern for others because it's assumed I am only doing so for money? Can I really not just try to be a good person? Am I forced to believe no one in the world has a kind heart, myself included?

When I was growing up, I was struck by the dichotomy between my parents. Mommy is always so kind and giving, and Daddy often seemed so selfish to me. Now I realize, it's not his fault, it's the profession. And in fact, for being part of that profession, he actually is extremely good-hearted and generous. I couldn't see it because I was comparing him to Mommy, and not to other lawyers. Even if sometimes his generosity can only extend far enough to let Mommy and his daughters give, that is more than of what many people here are capable. Here, they try to stop you, to make you feel foolish and stupid, to make you feel it is wrong to give of yourself, to care.

I must note, not everyone here is self-focused. I can think of one exception. My friend Cornelia is one of the kindest, most considerate people I have ever met. But there is a sort of consensus that she does not belong here. She is better than this place. She has so many other talents that go beyond what law can offer her. Somehow, she holds onto her goodness in this sea of selfishness. More than that, she works relentlessly to try to pull out the good that is left in others. Frustrating work to say the least.

The "I" mentality permeates the air. Every breath is suffocated by it. It seeps in through the skin. Powerful enough to convert any "other" focused activity into a suspect, "must be I serving" action in the eyes of all around, it slowly destroys the inner good. If this is the real world, I want to go back to Wisconsin.

(Original Post)

A desk

Disappointed

Metallica - Where the Wild Things Are